Observe good faith...

"Observe good faith and justice toward all nations. Cultivate peace and harmony with all. Religion and mortality enjoin this conduct." -George Washington

I love George Washington: Founding father, wooden tooth connoisseur, and hatchet-wielding psychopath.

However, George needs to brush up on his Middle Ages history. You see, George, there was this little, insignificant thing called the Crusades. Basically, the sole cause of it was that two groups of people had different religions and so naturally, they hated each other. Lots of beheading, disemboweling, and other horrendous sorts of medieval torture took place. The Crusades continued their bloody dispute until one man singlehandedly brought them to a halt by drinking some water and defeating the Nazis in 1989.

But that was then and this is now. Its great how well Muslims and Christians get along these days. Maybe ol' George Washington was on to something.

Atheists pray...

Atheists pray for sarcasm.

One of my favorite sources of douchebag opinions is that little piece of irremovable vinyl that people somehow think it is smart to stick on their cars, instantly reducing its value to pennies on the dollar: the bumper sticker.

Seriously, who thinks that anyone cares about whether their kid is an honors student, beat up an honors student, impregnated an honors student, or murder-suicided an honor student? Are these people dumb enough to think that their kids are smart? Did that last question blow your fucking mind to warp speed gajillion?

And as for the ironic atheists, does anyone preach about their religion more than atheists? I make it a point not to hang out with atheists and vegetarians because those people know how to talk about nothing but their high-and-mighty views on how they don't believe in god and don't eat meat. And the fact that you DO believe in god and DO eat meat? Well don't even get them started because they are done been startened.

If my belief was that poop on the face was the only way, would I go around rubbing poop on other people's faces? No, I would rub poop on my face and be prepared if other people didn't feel the same way because rubbing poop on faces is different than the way most other people think. Most other people like hugging their bibles and giving Jesus a back massage. Most other people like to stab defenseless, furry animals in their eyeballs so they can eat the resulting succulent morsels. If you want to be a weirdo and not do that stuff, fine, but don't get bent out of shape when everyone else isn't jumping off the bridge with you.

Invite people into your home...

When you invite people into your home, you invite them into yourself. -Oprah Winfrey

Alright,I was debating for the last couple of weeks whether I wanted to take my first plunge into sexy quotes, but I felt like I just couldn't resist the gemstone that was polished up and pooped out by everyone's favorite billionaire lesbian, Oprah.

Of course, she wasn't always a lesbian. How else would she have come up with this quote?

It was a chilly night in Chicago. The year was 1985. Oprah had spend the last few months taking drives around the block with gentlemen, placing her face on their laps. It wasn't until a curmudgeonly man who like to dickslap dumb movies for a living that she graduated from the passenger seat to the bedroom. The gentleman, who we will call Ebert, was invited into Oprah's "house," liked what he saw, and hooked her up with the billion dollar empire she currently helms.

Of course as lucky as it was for Ebert to pick up Oprah off the street corner that night, you can't win 'em all, as his chin will attest.

Blind leap...

A happy life is a balanced life. Live with hope & an open heart; don't be afraid to take a blind leap - you never know where you'll land! -Unknown

Oh boy. Happy. Balanced. Life. Hope. Open heart. Don't be afraid. Blind leap. Never know where you'll land. Unknown. This quote really has it all.

If I were to create the perfect, all encompassing douche bag quote of the century, it would definitely go pretty much like this quote.

My biggest bitch and moan about this quote is the last part about the blind leap and not knowing where you'll land. I hope the author of this quote died in a freak accident where he blind leaped into a vat of lye that ate away his skin in a fantastic display of the power of chemical burns. I would even be satisfied with a blind leap into a tank of rabid seabass. As you can tell, I'm not too picky unless it is a blind leap into a barrel of kittens and rainbows. That would be disappointing.

In the meantime, I'm going to live a shitty life that is a tribute to gluttony. I'm going to live in fear and seclusion. I'm going to do predictable things and tell anyone who encourages me otherwise to go blind leap in front of a Megabus.

He that plants trees...

He that plants trees loves others besides himself. -Thomas Fuller

Alright, I don't know who the hell Thomas Fuller is, aside from the fact that he is a douche nozzle. Maybe Mr. Oh-Look-At-Me-Planting-A-Tree wanted to get some shade from the hot sun. Maybe he is going to hang out on his back porch with a shotgun and wait for the first person who tries to steal his shade so he can pepper their grill up nice and good with some buckshot. I don't know.

Thinking that everyone who does a certain thing for altruistic motives is a terrible way to think and a fantastic way to get yourself in rapey-killy situation. Seriously ladies, next time you are going to help a guy load a couch into the back of a van, ask yourself these questions:

1. Am I about a size 14?
2. Is my name Frederica Bimmel?
3. Would I fuck me?

If any of the answers to these questions are yes, then you should probably just avoid helping that dude and just go home and put some lotion on your skin.

By the way, I never know where these little tirades are going to go when I first toss the "inspirational" quote up there. Somehow this one devolved into me thinking about going home and watching Silence of the Lambs. Damn that was an awesome rapey-killy movie.

Laugh at yourself...

Laugh at yourself first, before anyone else can. -Elsa Maxwell

Listen, unless you came straight out the vagina laughing, everyone was already laughing at you. Mostly be cause you are an idiot, partially because of your look, and most certainly not because you are funny.

By the way, most babies can't really laugh and when they do smile, it is because they are filling the shitbag you attached to their ass.

I'm not really sure why this quote bugs me so much, but it might have something to do with the fact that some of the people who laugh the least are fat, ugly lesbians. Perhaps the irony is lost on me.

Don't be pushed...

Don't be pushed by your problems. Be led by your dreams. -Anonymous

If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times: Whoever Anonymous is, he is an idiot. You definitely shouldn't listen to his dumb ass.

Do you know what I would have done if I were led by my dreams? I would have been a gynecologist. As a tween (that word=barf), I use to think, Man, how totally hot would it be to constantly see chicks with no pants on ALL DAY LONG! Now days, I'm pushed by my problems. This leads me to be realistic (sure, and maybe a little cynical). The realistic me thinks about that same dream now and says, How awful would it be to have my face in the smelly, hairy muff of some fat, dumpy housewife who can't even get her husband to give her a good deep dicking?

That right there is what you dreams will get you folks: a hairy old box collecting dust. From now on kids, follow the money. Your dreams are shit.

Hunger is the best...

Hunger is the best sauce in the world. -Cervantes

So most of the quotes I toss in here at least have something resembling a coherent message to them. This one, however, does not.

Hunger is the best sauce in the world? Well then, I'm off to a third world country to bottle up some of that belly distending, fly buzzing, raw sewage smelling deliciousness! See you when I get back!

Seek the lofty...

Seek the lofty by reading, hearing and seeing great work at some moment every day. -Thornton Wilder

So the non-specific quotes get me every time. I just want to be a sheep and be told what to do.

"Seek the lofty?" What the fuck does that mean? Is lofty supposed to be knowledge? Love? A WWE Championship title belt? Come on! Throw me a bone here.

"Reading, hearing and seeing great work." Alright, can we narrow it down? I'm pretty slow at reading. My wife tells me I never listen. So let's go with seeing. I hear that reality television is where it's at, so I'm just going to watch some of that to get lofty with it.

When? "At some moment every day." Thanks for narrowing that down. Apparently this guy didn't have a TV guide available.

So let's go back through the quote again: Seek the WWE Championship title belt by watching reality television on Tuesday's at 9/8c on NBC! Much better!

Oh shit...

My motto: Live life in such a way that when my feet hit the floor in the morning, the Devil says: Oh shit! She's awake! -Maxine

You guys may not know this about me, but I HATE Maxine. If you aren't familiar with Maxine, here is a little taste.

Alright, now that you are back from that horse diarrhea, I'm sure you have at least seen Maxine before. The reason I hate that blithering old bag is that she is possibly one of the most contrived characters on the planet.

Oh look! There is a grumpy old lady saying snarky things! How adorable.

The worst part is how regular old ladies that are actually nice and pleasant decide to post Maxine quotes and posters around their office or room so they can seem like a badass. That is like some douchy little kid from the burbs putting up Tupac posters up in his room and then going and eating a peanut butter sandwich and playing tag. Everyone knows you aren't gangsta, so stop trying to put on that face.

The worst part is you are modeling your non-asshole self after an imaginary asshole. Is there really a worse form of being a douche than to copy another known douche?

But I need to stop being so concerned with this. All these Maxine-inspired old ladies will be dead shortly anyway.

Nothing can be done...

Nothing can be done without hope and confidence. -Helen Keller

But apparently sight and hearing are optional. How about some Helen Keller jokes to tide us over?

Q: Why was Helen Keller a terrible driver?
A: Because she was a woman.

Q: Why did Helen Keller's dog kill itself?
A: You would to if your name was "Ahhhh-uhhh". (More of an aural one)

Q: How do you punish Helen Keller?
A: Rearrange her furniture.

There's really nothing like making fun of the less fortunate first thing in the morning. But a least they have hope and confidence. Am I right? Whew! Is it just me or is it getting really hot and sulfury in here? And what's with the handbasket?

A curve...

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight. - Anonymous

And a knife is a blade that stabs you in the face.

The whole reason I started writing this blog was because of a horrendously kitschy wooden sign I saw in someone's house that said, "Friends are the flowers in the garden of life." After I had defecated on the sign and threatened a murder suicide (I was going to murder myself and make them commit suicide for having that sign in their house), I promised myself from that day forward, I would dedicate my life to getting douchebag quotes the scorn they so rightfully deserve.

Getting back to this quote, one of my favorite ways of heaping scorn is to say a similar quote but change the words so something more meaningful. I could do this all day:

• A poop is a shit that smells up the bathroom.
• A prison is a bedroom that hurts your hienyhole.
• A pinky is a finger that fits nicely in your nose.

See? It's easy. Now you try.

Intolerance...

Intolerance should never be disguised as "God's way". Intolerance, in any form, is "man's ruin". -Pink

Some of these are just too easy. Let me make up a quote of my own. "Pink's music should never be disguised as 'God's way'. Pink's music, in any form (mp3, LP, cassette), is 'music's ruin'."

This quote was specifically aimed at the Pastor that threatened to burn the Quran on 9/11. Since that Pink quote was awful and doesn't deserve any more attention, let's talk about this idiot Terry Jones.

1. He fully has a right to burn the Quran. The First Amendment says so and since he isn't threatening any person directly, it definitely ain't hate speech.
2. He's a selfish asshole because guess what, Muslims around the world hate pompous Americans. So you know what that means: more retaliation against Americans, probably soldiers.

If this guy wanted to do this country a favor, he would support the free speech that he is fighting for regardless of who is being censored. You think this guy would have stood up for Larry Flynt back in the day? No F'ing way. Would he support gays who want the right to the same protections that spouses of the opposite sex get? No F'ing way. Would he support the shock jocks on radio who use foul language in a humorous manner? No F'ing way. And that, my friends, is why he is an asshole.

Now that I'm back off my soapbox, let me just say that Pink sucks. Except for that Just Like a Pill song. That was pretty sweet.

Disappointment...

We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope. -Martin Luther King, Jr.

Apparently I'm not the only one who comes from a family of disappointing people.

You'd like to think that MLK, Jr was talking about civil rights or the immutable human spirit, but he was actually quoted as saying this on report card day. He saw his kids' report cards and immediately knew his day was ruined. It was pretty obvious that his kids were going to be burger flippers and general hoodlums.

But he never gave up hope! Perhaps the burger flipper would one day be fry manager. Or the hoodlum would turn out to be 50cent. In the end his hope was born out as his kids ended up being some sort of social something or other. Congrats.

As for my own family, things did not turn out so well. We ended up losing my brother on a trip to the Ozarks and my two sisters work at a place called the Brass Rail. I guess its an interior decoration store or something. Never been there but it is out by the airport. As for me, well, I've got a kick ass website, as you can tell, so let the hooker and blow start rolling in.

Reverenced as a master...

He that teaches us anything that we knew not before is undoubtedly to be reverenced as a master. -Unknown

Hmm, which direction do I take this one?

Let's go this this one: my dog has taught me that if you puke on the carpet, you should definitely lick it up. You can't imagine how many times that has saved me at bars and house parties. Obviously, I consider my dog to be a master of puke licking.

Let's think about this people, if you are going say something deep and quotable, how about not trying to make it so generic that I instantly shit on it with anemic logic. I mean, I didn't even finish reading the quote before I knew where it was going and how I was going to destroy it.

Also, I feel like this quote is the battle cry for the sissy, nanny-state modern day that we live in: "If you can do something, no matter how crappily you do it, then you are a winner." I can mouth breathe and pee on the seat. Congrats! I win a prize.

Screw that. How about I can rape and pillage the surrounding villages, drive my car 110 mph, and kick you in the crotch? See that, I win. You lose.

Enough about the happiness...

May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, and enough hope to make you happy. -Unknown

This quote is by unknown, meaning someone said, "I'm too embarrassed about this quote to actually take credit for it, but I AM a narcissist so I'd love to see other people pass this around like a case of herpes."

Let me rephrase this quote for you: May you be mediocre. There, now you have just saved yourself from having to plow through an additional 24 words at a cost to me of counting said words. Your welcome.

Have a herpelicious day.

Lack of belief...

Every morning when I get to the office, we have an attendance email that is sent out that nobody reads. The main reason I don't read it is because of the horrendous inspirational quotes that come spewing out when I click on it. Since I don't want to keep these vomit inducers to myself, I thought I would share them, along with my thoughts on them, here. For you. Aren't I gracious?

Today's quote:

The lack of belief is a defect that ought to be concealed when it cannot be overcome. -Jonathon Swift

According to the my knowledge of English Literature class that managed to survive the onslaught of booze during college, after graduation, and last night, Jonathon Swift wrote some awesome books about eating babies. What a forward thinker. Unfortunately, this was not some of his best work.

Why the fuck would a lack of belief be a defect? That doesn't even make sense. Has Jonathon Swift ever seen some of the garbage posted on the internet. If it wasn't for disbelief (that's what 'lack of belief' means, right?), I would be getting a constant barrage of OMFG!!! LOL! emails from my dad with videos like this attached.



Oh yeah, I already get these videos constantly. Kill me now.