Observe good faith...

"Observe good faith and justice toward all nations. Cultivate peace and harmony with all. Religion and mortality enjoin this conduct." -George Washington

I love George Washington: Founding father, wooden tooth connoisseur, and hatchet-wielding psychopath.

However, George needs to brush up on his Middle Ages history. You see, George, there was this little, insignificant thing called the Crusades. Basically, the sole cause of it was that two groups of people had different religions and so naturally, they hated each other. Lots of beheading, disemboweling, and other horrendous sorts of medieval torture took place. The Crusades continued their bloody dispute until one man singlehandedly brought them to a halt by drinking some water and defeating the Nazis in 1989.

But that was then and this is now. Its great how well Muslims and Christians get along these days. Maybe ol' George Washington was on to something.

Atheists pray...

Atheists pray for sarcasm.

One of my favorite sources of douchebag opinions is that little piece of irremovable vinyl that people somehow think it is smart to stick on their cars, instantly reducing its value to pennies on the dollar: the bumper sticker.

Seriously, who thinks that anyone cares about whether their kid is an honors student, beat up an honors student, impregnated an honors student, or murder-suicided an honor student? Are these people dumb enough to think that their kids are smart? Did that last question blow your fucking mind to warp speed gajillion?

And as for the ironic atheists, does anyone preach about their religion more than atheists? I make it a point not to hang out with atheists and vegetarians because those people know how to talk about nothing but their high-and-mighty views on how they don't believe in god and don't eat meat. And the fact that you DO believe in god and DO eat meat? Well don't even get them started because they are done been startened.

If my belief was that poop on the face was the only way, would I go around rubbing poop on other people's faces? No, I would rub poop on my face and be prepared if other people didn't feel the same way because rubbing poop on faces is different than the way most other people think. Most other people like hugging their bibles and giving Jesus a back massage. Most other people like to stab defenseless, furry animals in their eyeballs so they can eat the resulting succulent morsels. If you want to be a weirdo and not do that stuff, fine, but don't get bent out of shape when everyone else isn't jumping off the bridge with you.

Invite people into your home...

When you invite people into your home, you invite them into yourself. -Oprah Winfrey

Alright,I was debating for the last couple of weeks whether I wanted to take my first plunge into sexy quotes, but I felt like I just couldn't resist the gemstone that was polished up and pooped out by everyone's favorite billionaire lesbian, Oprah.

Of course, she wasn't always a lesbian. How else would she have come up with this quote?

It was a chilly night in Chicago. The year was 1985. Oprah had spend the last few months taking drives around the block with gentlemen, placing her face on their laps. It wasn't until a curmudgeonly man who like to dickslap dumb movies for a living that she graduated from the passenger seat to the bedroom. The gentleman, who we will call Ebert, was invited into Oprah's "house," liked what he saw, and hooked her up with the billion dollar empire she currently helms.

Of course as lucky as it was for Ebert to pick up Oprah off the street corner that night, you can't win 'em all, as his chin will attest.

Blind leap...

A happy life is a balanced life. Live with hope & an open heart; don't be afraid to take a blind leap - you never know where you'll land! -Unknown

Oh boy. Happy. Balanced. Life. Hope. Open heart. Don't be afraid. Blind leap. Never know where you'll land. Unknown. This quote really has it all.

If I were to create the perfect, all encompassing douche bag quote of the century, it would definitely go pretty much like this quote.

My biggest bitch and moan about this quote is the last part about the blind leap and not knowing where you'll land. I hope the author of this quote died in a freak accident where he blind leaped into a vat of lye that ate away his skin in a fantastic display of the power of chemical burns. I would even be satisfied with a blind leap into a tank of rabid seabass. As you can tell, I'm not too picky unless it is a blind leap into a barrel of kittens and rainbows. That would be disappointing.

In the meantime, I'm going to live a shitty life that is a tribute to gluttony. I'm going to live in fear and seclusion. I'm going to do predictable things and tell anyone who encourages me otherwise to go blind leap in front of a Megabus.

He that plants trees...

He that plants trees loves others besides himself. -Thomas Fuller

Alright, I don't know who the hell Thomas Fuller is, aside from the fact that he is a douche nozzle. Maybe Mr. Oh-Look-At-Me-Planting-A-Tree wanted to get some shade from the hot sun. Maybe he is going to hang out on his back porch with a shotgun and wait for the first person who tries to steal his shade so he can pepper their grill up nice and good with some buckshot. I don't know.

Thinking that everyone who does a certain thing for altruistic motives is a terrible way to think and a fantastic way to get yourself in rapey-killy situation. Seriously ladies, next time you are going to help a guy load a couch into the back of a van, ask yourself these questions:

1. Am I about a size 14?
2. Is my name Frederica Bimmel?
3. Would I fuck me?

If any of the answers to these questions are yes, then you should probably just avoid helping that dude and just go home and put some lotion on your skin.

By the way, I never know where these little tirades are going to go when I first toss the "inspirational" quote up there. Somehow this one devolved into me thinking about going home and watching Silence of the Lambs. Damn that was an awesome rapey-killy movie.

Laugh at yourself...

Laugh at yourself first, before anyone else can. -Elsa Maxwell

Listen, unless you came straight out the vagina laughing, everyone was already laughing at you. Mostly be cause you are an idiot, partially because of your look, and most certainly not because you are funny.

By the way, most babies can't really laugh and when they do smile, it is because they are filling the shitbag you attached to their ass.

I'm not really sure why this quote bugs me so much, but it might have something to do with the fact that some of the people who laugh the least are fat, ugly lesbians. Perhaps the irony is lost on me.

Don't be pushed...

Don't be pushed by your problems. Be led by your dreams. -Anonymous

If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times: Whoever Anonymous is, he is an idiot. You definitely shouldn't listen to his dumb ass.

Do you know what I would have done if I were led by my dreams? I would have been a gynecologist. As a tween (that word=barf), I use to think, Man, how totally hot would it be to constantly see chicks with no pants on ALL DAY LONG! Now days, I'm pushed by my problems. This leads me to be realistic (sure, and maybe a little cynical). The realistic me thinks about that same dream now and says, How awful would it be to have my face in the smelly, hairy muff of some fat, dumpy housewife who can't even get her husband to give her a good deep dicking?

That right there is what you dreams will get you folks: a hairy old box collecting dust. From now on kids, follow the money. Your dreams are shit.

Hunger is the best...

Hunger is the best sauce in the world. -Cervantes

So most of the quotes I toss in here at least have something resembling a coherent message to them. This one, however, does not.

Hunger is the best sauce in the world? Well then, I'm off to a third world country to bottle up some of that belly distending, fly buzzing, raw sewage smelling deliciousness! See you when I get back!

Seek the lofty...

Seek the lofty by reading, hearing and seeing great work at some moment every day. -Thornton Wilder

So the non-specific quotes get me every time. I just want to be a sheep and be told what to do.

"Seek the lofty?" What the fuck does that mean? Is lofty supposed to be knowledge? Love? A WWE Championship title belt? Come on! Throw me a bone here.

"Reading, hearing and seeing great work." Alright, can we narrow it down? I'm pretty slow at reading. My wife tells me I never listen. So let's go with seeing. I hear that reality television is where it's at, so I'm just going to watch some of that to get lofty with it.

When? "At some moment every day." Thanks for narrowing that down. Apparently this guy didn't have a TV guide available.

So let's go back through the quote again: Seek the WWE Championship title belt by watching reality television on Tuesday's at 9/8c on NBC! Much better!

Oh shit...

My motto: Live life in such a way that when my feet hit the floor in the morning, the Devil says: Oh shit! She's awake! -Maxine

You guys may not know this about me, but I HATE Maxine. If you aren't familiar with Maxine, here is a little taste.

Alright, now that you are back from that horse diarrhea, I'm sure you have at least seen Maxine before. The reason I hate that blithering old bag is that she is possibly one of the most contrived characters on the planet.

Oh look! There is a grumpy old lady saying snarky things! How adorable.

The worst part is how regular old ladies that are actually nice and pleasant decide to post Maxine quotes and posters around their office or room so they can seem like a badass. That is like some douchy little kid from the burbs putting up Tupac posters up in his room and then going and eating a peanut butter sandwich and playing tag. Everyone knows you aren't gangsta, so stop trying to put on that face.

The worst part is you are modeling your non-asshole self after an imaginary asshole. Is there really a worse form of being a douche than to copy another known douche?

But I need to stop being so concerned with this. All these Maxine-inspired old ladies will be dead shortly anyway.