Invite people into your home...

When you invite people into your home, you invite them into yourself. -Oprah Winfrey

Alright,I was debating for the last couple of weeks whether I wanted to take my first plunge into sexy quotes, but I felt like I just couldn't resist the gemstone that was polished up and pooped out by everyone's favorite billionaire lesbian, Oprah.

Of course, she wasn't always a lesbian. How else would she have come up with this quote?

It was a chilly night in Chicago. The year was 1985. Oprah had spend the last few months taking drives around the block with gentlemen, placing her face on their laps. It wasn't until a curmudgeonly man who like to dickslap dumb movies for a living that she graduated from the passenger seat to the bedroom. The gentleman, who we will call Ebert, was invited into Oprah's "house," liked what he saw, and hooked her up with the billion dollar empire she currently helms.

Of course as lucky as it was for Ebert to pick up Oprah off the street corner that night, you can't win 'em all, as his chin will attest.

Blind leap...

A happy life is a balanced life. Live with hope & an open heart; don't be afraid to take a blind leap - you never know where you'll land! -Unknown

Oh boy. Happy. Balanced. Life. Hope. Open heart. Don't be afraid. Blind leap. Never know where you'll land. Unknown. This quote really has it all.

If I were to create the perfect, all encompassing douche bag quote of the century, it would definitely go pretty much like this quote.

My biggest bitch and moan about this quote is the last part about the blind leap and not knowing where you'll land. I hope the author of this quote died in a freak accident where he blind leaped into a vat of lye that ate away his skin in a fantastic display of the power of chemical burns. I would even be satisfied with a blind leap into a tank of rabid seabass. As you can tell, I'm not too picky unless it is a blind leap into a barrel of kittens and rainbows. That would be disappointing.

In the meantime, I'm going to live a shitty life that is a tribute to gluttony. I'm going to live in fear and seclusion. I'm going to do predictable things and tell anyone who encourages me otherwise to go blind leap in front of a Megabus.

He that plants trees...

He that plants trees loves others besides himself. -Thomas Fuller

Alright, I don't know who the hell Thomas Fuller is, aside from the fact that he is a douche nozzle. Maybe Mr. Oh-Look-At-Me-Planting-A-Tree wanted to get some shade from the hot sun. Maybe he is going to hang out on his back porch with a shotgun and wait for the first person who tries to steal his shade so he can pepper their grill up nice and good with some buckshot. I don't know.

Thinking that everyone who does a certain thing for altruistic motives is a terrible way to think and a fantastic way to get yourself in rapey-killy situation. Seriously ladies, next time you are going to help a guy load a couch into the back of a van, ask yourself these questions:

1. Am I about a size 14?
2. Is my name Frederica Bimmel?
3. Would I fuck me?

If any of the answers to these questions are yes, then you should probably just avoid helping that dude and just go home and put some lotion on your skin.

By the way, I never know where these little tirades are going to go when I first toss the "inspirational" quote up there. Somehow this one devolved into me thinking about going home and watching Silence of the Lambs. Damn that was an awesome rapey-killy movie.